September 4th
It comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to decide who you are. Usually, it comes a lot of times, but most definitely, it comes at least one time in your life. For me, today is one of these times.
I’ve found a perfect human being that I am crushing on, SO HARD. It’s weird for me to say that this human being is perfection, because who is? But I could almost bet that if we play our cards right, this could be it. Which I’m not going to… I’m not going to play my cards right in any way, because I’m moving next week, and I keep forgetting to tell him that (he just knows that I am moving, not when) because I keep planing our wedding in me head. Silly isn’t it?
And I want to sort my feelings out, through writing, in the public eye (my blog), because that’s always been how I sort my feelings out. But today I am questioning it. Not the fact that I imagine having someone’s babies for the first time in my life (pathetic considering everything), but the fact that I need to write about this in public. I’ve made so many decisions about not writing about my private life earlier this summer, thing’s I wouldn’t even have considered talking openly about earlier. And it’s not like I’ve gotten a bigger crowd now (actually it’s smaller, because I’m controversial), it’s just that pointing fingers to those who haven’t chosen to be surrounded with social media seems morally wrong. Or maybe it’s the fact that it’s more complicated right now… It’s serious. I’m not just talking about this perfect human being anymore, but the fact that I’ve been thrown out by someone I thought was my friend (which I did write about, but not all of the bad things about it), that I have toxic relations or the fact that my friends been treating me like their personal slave and I’ve gotten sick of their behavior. I don’t get in to those things, because I think it will come bite me in the ass even though it’s not my fault. But if I start writing about these things on the internet and really sort it out for the public, then I feel like I’ve done something wrong. Earlier in life I think I’ve known who’s the evil one when writing about rapists and oppressors. But now, if I write about a conflict that haven’t had a finish line, I’m the childish one. I know I would think so. And honest to God, I don’t think I will stand up against those ”friends” that treated me like a slave or throw out my toxic relations just yet (because first of all, I would have like two-three friends left), I like the fact that I am moving and taking some real distance from them. I don’t think that they will sort through their behavior and realize that they’ve been treating me badly, but with distance from everything that I now call home I will get to know me and my own abilities a little bit better, and hopefully learn a bit more about what I deserve and don’t from my friends.
Now I’ve been reading the upper paragraphs for a while now, and even though it explains my situation I don’t think it’s too revealing. I think it’s just about perfect, because it’s about my life and what’s going on in it and even though my friends or ”friends” are mentioned, it doesn’t say who they are nor have much detail about their actions towards me. Is that professional?
I don’t know.
The thing is, I am torn. Someday I wish to be bigger, to have a bigger audience on my platform(s). However, that is far from today. I can’t decide whether or not I should be professional already? If yes, what is professional?
Professional is probably the opposite to personal or private. But yet, a blog about my life should be personal. So how do you find middle-ground between personal and professional, without dragging in too much drama or too much boring stuff?
I know my life is about to take a very interesting turn, and I will probably let you know about how I became an au pair in a while but when it comes to my everyday life, you can’t share too much. I know, that if I want to be an au pair for a second year, I will share this blog of my experiences with the next coming family because that’s a really good merit. So how do I found a middle ground between ”Lisa, the responsible one with love for children” and ”Lisa, the creative and funny one who loves to have great adventures and has a lot to say about politics”? How do I write about my life in a professional way, yet a way that shows off my personality? That is a trick all by itself! And I probably have to work a lot on it!